Dark Souls II is almost here. The anticipation has been killing me and led me to finally overcome the challenges and beat the first Dark Souls. Now midway through my second/third/forth play through I’ve compiled the Top 10 WTF Dark Souls moments and I hope Dark Souls II holds many more.
Honorable Mention: Kill The Dogs First (Capra Demon)
F*** F*** F***!
You think you’ve figured it out. You’ve bested the Taurus Demon and limped out barely of the Gargoyle fight. Nothing can stop you now. You enter the fog gate and…find yourself trapped in a broom closet with an angry rapist and his rabid dogs. The fight with the Capra Demon was the make or break moment for nearly all Dark Souls players. If your undead makes it out alive you can be sure your confidence didn’t.
10) Crystal Cave Navigation
The Crystal Caves are an interesting place filled with euphoric scenery and slippery paths left and right. Then you get stuck. The path just ends and you see no way to progress. Until you notice the crystals seeming to crash land onto thin air. You take a deep breath and walk onto nothing. The orange text barely comforts you with a “Good Luck” as you navigate the thin, invisible paths of the Crystal Cave. Of course, Seathe The Scaleless will promptly curse your ass and make you start all over.
9) Asylum Demon
Ah, the classic first boss. The Asylum Demon crashes down with a mighty boom as your unequipped undead shits his loincloth. What do you do!? You’re five minutes into the game and a 30 foot tall monster is charging you. Most new players would drop their controllers right there and walk away, while most just run through the door on the left.
8) Saving Solaire
Solaire, the upbeat knight who can be summoned for boss fights is on a quest to find his own sun. Unfortunately, this quest comes to an end when he gets his mind controlled by a Chaos bug in the Demon Ruins. You’re forced to kill the knight who encouraged your jolly co-operation…or are you? If you stumble across The Fair Lady and join the Chaos Covenant and offer 30 humanity to her, then the area with the chaos bugs will open early allowing you to kill them and save Solaire. This then allows him to be summonable for the final boss fight against Gwyn. (Aka Solaire’s Pops.)
7) Drake Tail
What’s one of the best early game weapon? Why the Drake Sword of course! Getting one is tricky since it requires patience, arrows, and more patience. Most experienced players know the trick by now. Stock up on arrows and head to the bridge where the huge ass dragon is. By taking the bonfire shortcut you can navigate under the bridge and fire arrows at the bastard’s tail. After 15-30 arrows (depending on the quality) the tail will fall off and become the Drake Sword, providing you with a powerful weapon… at least until you grab the lightening spear.
6) The Great Hollow/Ash Lake
Blighttown…. UGHHHHHHHHHH. Everyone’s favorite part of Dark Souls holds a secret the size of an entire level…because it is. At the bottom of Blighttown in the poison swamp there is a large tree that you can climb into, which reveals a secret chest. If you sneeze on your controller and accidentally attack the wall behind the chest it reveals an entire level called the Great Deku Tree (joking, but not really). From here you can grab a ton of items from Crystal Lizards as well as catch a curse or two on the way! Yippee!
5) Lay in the Coffin
After facing another Titanite Demon in the catacombs you might find a coffin that allows you to lay in it. Initially, laying in the coffin does nothing, but 20 seconds later a douchebag skeleton locks you in and transports you to the home of Gravelord Nito. This allows you to join the Gravelord Covenant and access to a cool poison weapon. Sucks I literally kill him a few hours later for his Lord Soul…oh well!
4) Ceaseless Discharge Easy kill
Easily the best named boss in Dark Souls (snickers). The Ceaseless Discharge is massive and intimidating. Many who are weak willed may run to the entrance of the area and look to escape. Well guess what, you being a coward is his main weakness. At the entrance to the boss area The Ceaseless Discharge will attack you, freeze, and then fall down the never ending pit on the side. Three things can happen at this point:
a) You celebrate your heroic and brave victory.
b) You scratch your head at what just happened.
c) You look ahead and realize the next area is made up of Taurus Demons and Capra Demons…Greattttttttt.
3) Kaathe The Darkstalker
So you’ve obtained the Lord Vessel in Anor Lando and on your way back to the weird looking thing that sounds like Dumbledore. Well what happens if you don’t do that? If you beat the Four Kings in the Abyss without giving Frampt the Lord Vessel, then another serpent named Kaathe will appear. Kaathe is against Frampt and wishes to begin the Age of Man. This allows insight on the two serpents and what their motives actually are. Making the game’s final choice less vague.
2) Snuggly The Crow/ Asylum Return
How’s this for a WTF secret. After unlocking the elevator between Firelink and the Undead Parish you can actually jump off the elevator. From here you can hardcore parkour the ruins around Firelink and actually have the huge ass crow take you back to the Undead Asylum. The Asylum is very different with tougher enemies and a new boss fight (they must’ve upped security after a certain undead brokeout…). Another secret here is Snuggly the Crow who sounds weird and asks for something “warm” and “soft.” Dropping certain items in his nest provides many rare items and different rewards to exchange with Snuggly. It’s convenient, but seriously WTF.
1) Gwyndolin’s Anor Illusions
After beating Fatass McQuack and Speedy Gonzalez in Anor Lando, Gwynevere and her “Amazing Chest Ahead” that you should “Try Holding With Both Hands” will bequeath onto you the Lord Vessel. Don’t get your hopes up though, since you can attack her revealing the great beauty as an illusion (much like my dates). This transforms Anor Lando into an eternal night and opens up an optional boss fight with Gwyndolin. Good freakin luck beating the asshole since his mix of magic and rapid arrow attacks will deplete your life bar instantly (Zigzagzigzag). The cause and effect of these actions as well as the difficulty of uncovering this twist easily puts the Anor Lando Illusions as the most WTF moment in Dark Souls. If you agree or disagree and have more awesome moments I might have missed put them in the comments below!